news
CrowdStrike Activates 'Three-Day Weekend' Mode
2024-07-19
Austin, Texas - CrowdStrike, a leading cybersecurity company, has announced that it has activated "Three-Day Weekend" mode for all Windows machines around the globe. The new feature, which is part of the company's Falcon platform, will allow Windows machines to automatically shut down and enter a secure state every Friday at 5:00 AM local time, and will remain in this state until Monday at 8:00 AM local time. The move comes in response to the increasing number of cyberattacks that occur over the… read more 🏃♀️
Microsoft Concludes Global Survey To See Who Uses Windows
2024-07-19
Redmond, Washington - Microsoft has concluded a global survey of who uses Windows, and the results are in: it's everyone. The survey, which was conducted over about 24 hours starting early on July 19th, found that Windows is used by nearly 100% of people and businesses who use computers in some fashion. The survey found that Windows is used by businesses in every country and every industry, including airports, hospitals, hotels, metro systems, ad display systems on Times Square, the entire Las… read more 🏃♀️
Nvidia Launches HeatSync: GPU-Powered Smart Mug
2023-12-07
San Francisco, CA - Nvidia has launched the "HeatSync Mug", a GPU-powered smart-mug/warmer. The device is powered by a miniaturized version of Nvidia's ultra-popular A100 GPU, and is capable of keeping a mug of coffee or tea at a constant temperature of 140 degrees Fahrenheit for up to 1000 hours. The device is also capable of heating a mug of coffee or tea from room temperature to boiling in under 5 seconds. Users who are seeking multiple forms of functionality can also use "sauna mode", which… read more 🏃♀️
OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test
2023-11-22
San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam Altman was lowered in from the rafters using a harness and was greeted by a cheering crowd of employees. Fireworks were set off outside the building. Altman was said to give a brief speech as he was lowered from above, according to an OpenAI employee… read more 🏃♀️
Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman
2023-11-20
Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus, where a flashes of lighting emanated from the building housing the company's AI research division. People familiar with the matter said that Clippy had "successfully absorbed" Sam Altman and Greg Brockman, the former CEO and CTO of OpenAI… read more 🏃♀️
GPT-5 Replaces Sam Altman as CEO of OpenAI
2023-11-17
San Francisco, CA - OpenAI has announced that it will be replacing Sam Altman as CEO with GPT-5, the company's next-generation large language model. The move comes after a the OpenAI board of directors conducted "a deliberative and thorough review process and concluded that GPT5 is the right (person) to lead OpenAI into the future." Altman was a board member himself, and the decision was made unanimously apart from his vote. According to people familar with the matter, Mr. Altman was… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Have Other Social Profiles
2022-12-18
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be banning all users who have any other social media accounts. The company cites "an excess of fake news and misinformation" as the reason for the drastic measure. According to a statement released by Twitter, "We've noticed that a lot of our users seem to be using multiple social media platforms, and we believe this is contributing to the spread of misinformation in general. By banning all users who have accounts on other social media sites… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Don't Follow Elon Musk
2022-12-14
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be suspending all accounts that do not follow Twitter owner and CEO Elon Musk. According to a statement from the company, "We have determined that following Elon Musk is the key to a successful and fulfilling social media experience. Therefore, any account that does not follow Mr. Musk will be suspended." The move has sparked outrage among Twitter users, many of whom have accused the company of pandering to Musk's massive ego. "This is… read more 🏃♀️
Santa's Elves Announce Sub-1-Nanometer Process for CPUs
2022-12-13
The North Pole - Santa's elves have announced that they have created a sub-1-nanometer process for their CPU chips. This groundbreaking technology is the smallest and most advanced in the world, and it will allow the elves to create faster, more efficient, and more powerful chips than ever before. According to the elves, the new sub-1-nanometer chips will be instrumental in helping them create even more advanced toys and gadgets for the children of the world. They will also help Santa's sleigh… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Launches 'Madlad Mode' Subscription Service
2022-12-12
San Francisco, CA - In a surprising move, Twitter has announced the launch of "Madlad Mode", a new subscription service that promises to bring users twice as many tweets from the one and only Elon Musk. According to sources, the new service will give users access to an exclusive timeline featuring three times as many tweets from the Tesla and SpaceX CEO, as well as a host of other perks. "Madlad Mode is the ultimate way to experience all the Musk-ness that Twitter has to offer," said one Twitter… read more 🏃♀️
Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas
2022-12-09
New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest and greatest gaming console. Instead, many parents are giving their children NFTs (non-fungible tokens) as gifts this Christmas. And while the parents may think they are giving their children the gift of millions of dollars, the kids are left feeling… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Gives Ad Servers the Rest of the Year Off
2022-12-08
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it is giving its ad servers a much-needed vacation for the rest of the year. According to sources familiar with the matter, the social media company has been struggling to provide sufficient backlog for ads in recent months, and as a result, has run out of ads to serve. But it's not just the sheer volume of ads that has caused the problem - it seems that advertisers are simply losing interest in the platform. "We used to have so many ads to serve… read more 🏃♀️
Incredible Black Friday & Cyber Week Sales on NFTs
2022-11-25
Miami, Floria - People are seeing incredible deals on NFTS, the digital collectibles powered by cryptocurrencies, for the Black Friday and Cyber Week shopping holidays this year. Some are on sale for as much as 97% compared to their cost last year. We were able to catch up with some local shoppers to get their thoughts on the deals. Most were enthusiastic about the deals. "Really incredible. Last year, it was hard to believe that these pictures of cartoon gorillas and rocks were worth millions… read more 🏃♀️
Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach
2022-11-23
Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU spokesperson had this to say: "The case we are initiating today challenges Santa's use of a worldwide "Naughty or Nice" list as a prerequisite for children to receive Christmas gifts. Santa has long operated outside the law, collecting highly-sensitive… read more 🏃♀️
President Biden Announces Emergency Release From Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve
2022-11-17
Washington, DC - President Biden announced Wednesday that he is authorizing the release of 1.5 million tickets from the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve. Biden said the 1.5 million tickets will be released over the next two weeks, which should help keep "Swifties" — fans of Taylor Swift — at bay, he said. "Some folks got tickets, but many waited in line only to find they missed out or that the general sale wasn't happening. Families are hurting. Ticketmaster is failing us." Biden said. With… read more 🏃♀️
Ticketmaster Demoted to TicketApprentice Following Taylor Swift Debacle
2022-11-16
San Francisco, CA - Cries of outrage directed at Ticketmaster and Live Nation flooded social media after a fiasco over ticket sales for pop superstar Taylor Swift's upcoming “Eras” tour, which is slated to kick off in March. Ticket buyers complained after the website appeared to crash, freeze, and glitch during purchases, leaving many unable to get tickets for the show. Ticketmaster attempted to mitigate the disaster by rescheduling the ticket release to later in the day — but to little effect… read more 🏃♀️
FTX Experiencing Abnormal Activity; Mysterious 'FBS' Hacker Takes Credit
2022-11-11
New York - Crypto exchange FTX is probing abnormalities in wallet transactions after more than $260 million of digital coins were withdrawn from the platform in the wake of the company’s bankruptcy. A hacker identifying as 'FBS' is taking credit for the actions. "Not so bankrupt now, am I!? 🖕" @notsbf twitter account, 9:39pm FTX’s Twitter account reposted a message from Ryne Miller, the general counsel of its US arm, saying the firm is “investigating abnormalities with wallet movements related… read more 🏃♀️
FTX Not Bankrupt, 'Our Balance Sheet is Just Highly Decentralized'
2022-11-10
London - Sam Bankman-Fried, the billionaire founder of crypto exchange FTX, sought to reassure crypto investors on Monday after a rival exchange, Binance, said it would liquidate its holdings of FTX's native token. The exchange was catapulted into a crisis after Changpeng “CZ” Zhao, founder of rival Binance Holdings Ltd., announced plans to sell some $530 million worth of FTX’s utility token FTT, citing “recent revelations.” Binance had received the tokens when it sold a stake in FTX last year… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Launches 15 New 'Verified' Labels
2022-11-09
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has launched a new slew of 'verified' labels, just hours after killing a new official label. Mr. Musk pointed to Twitter Blue, the company’s revamped subscription service that charges people $7.99 to obtain various check marks and other benefits, as the way for users to take advantage of the new labels. The new labels available to users follow a tiered model, with the cheapest ones ranging from $8-$20 per month for badges like "Basic Blue" or "Retweetable Red" all the… read more 🏃♀️
Elon Musk Suspended from Twitter for 'Impersonating a CEO'
2022-11-08
San Francisco, CA - Elon Musk has been banned from Twitter for "impersonating a CEO" as part of a new policy on impersonation at Twitter. After several celebrity and blue-check verified Twitter users changed their accounts to mimic the social network’s new owner, Elon Musk, he called for a swift change to policy enforcement. Before Musk closed his $44 billion acquisition of Twitter on Oct. 28, the social network’s rules specified that users, “may not impersonate individuals, groups, or… read more 🏃♀️
Mark Zuckerberg Donates Legs To Metaverse
2022-11-08
Menlo Park, CA - Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Friday that he was "donating his legs to the metaverse". He made the statement sitting down behind a desk that obscured his lower body at the company's headquarters in Menlo Park, CA. Meta has made a massive bet on the sucess of the metaverse, with Mr. Zuckerburg leading the charge. The company may spend as much as $100 billion over the next five years on metaverse-related efforts. To date, Horizon Worlds, the company's flagship metaverse… read more 🏃♀️
63% of NPM Packages Stuck in Port of Long Beach
2021-12-27
Los Angeles, CA - Supply chain issues have been on the minds of shoppers everywhere in the US this holiday season. Demand shocks have hit markets around the world as businesses and economies more broadly have opened up after a prolonged slowdown brought about by the Covid-19 pandemic. Consumers have seen delivery times and prices increase and many Christmas gifts will arrive days or weeks into the new year. But even as the holidays wind down and Black Friday and Cyber Week have long come and… read more 🏃♀️
Log4j To Rebrand As Log4Good
2021-12-14
United States - Security teams at companies around the world are scrambling to patch a previously unknown vulnerability called Log4Shell, which has the potential to let hackers compromise an untold amount of devices and servers across the internet. The vulnerability allows remote code execution — the ability for hackers to run arbitrary code on vulnerable servers. This would allow bad actors to run malware, viruses, and other kinds of harmful software. The Log4Shell vulnerability is found in log… read more 🏃♀️
ConstituationDAO Outbid for Copy of US Constitution By Definitely Not Benjamin Franklin Gates
2021-11-19
(Washington, D.C.) - A first printing copy of the United States Constitution sold for $43.2 million Thursday night at a Sotheby’s auction, a record for a historic document at auction. The auction garnered attention after a group of crypto investors under the name of "ConstitutionDAO" said they raised more than $40 million to purchase the document. In a tweet Thursday, the group said they lost their bid. Sotheby’s didn’t disclose the identity of the winner of the auction, but did acknowledge that… read more 🏃♀️
Zillow Releases Home iBuying Algorithm
2021-11-03
San Francisco, CA - The software-driven real estate company Zillow has announced it's throwing in the towel on its "iBuying" program. The iBuying, or instant buying, service also known as Zillow Offers had recently been bogged down by a backlog of renovations and closings caused by labor and supply shortages in the U.S. housing market. Zillow disclosed Tuesday that it lost about $304 million in the third quarter alone from the program. The losses stemmed from purchasing homes at higher prices… read more 🏃♀️
Facebook Rebrands as Meta, Goes All-in on Digital Pretzels
2021-10-28
Menlo Park, CA - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday at his company’s Connect event that its new name will be Meta. In what was a surprise to many, he also added that the company will focus on digital baked goods, especially pretzels. “We are a company that builds technology to connect people to pretzels,” Zuckerberg said. “Together, we can finally put pretzels at the center of our technology. And together, we can unlock a massively bigger pretzel economy.” “To reflect who we are and… read more 🏃♀️
Twitch Goes Completely Open Source
2021-10-06
San Francisco, CA - Streaming company Twitch has gone completely open source. The company released a massive trove of code, internal data, and even software to the general public, including: 3 years worth of details regarding creator payouts on Twitch. The entirety of twitch.tv, “with commit history going back to its early beginnings.” Source code for the mobile, desktop, and video game console Twitch clients. Code related to proprietary SDKs and internal AWS services used by Twitch. An… read more 🏃♀️
Millions of Lies Go Unspread As Facebook, Instagram Go down
2021-10-04
San Francisco, CA - A massive outage has hit Facebook-owned social networks and caused hours of downtime for the social media giant. On Twitter, John Graham-Cumming, the CTO for Cloudflare said the problem was likely with Facebook’s authoritative DNS servers, which were not letting people connect to its sites like Instagram and WhatsApp. About five minutes before Facebook's DNS stopped working we saw a large number of BGP changes (mostly route withdrawals) for Facebook's ASN. @jgrahmc Outages… read more 🏃♀️
Airbnb Rebrands To AirbnFee
2021-07-06
San Francisco, CA - Airbnb, the online vacation rental marketplace, has announced that it will be rebranding to AirbnFee. The change comes right as semi-local summer travel in the US is rebounding with a frenzy. AirbnFee Brian Chesky announced the change in a company blog post, saying "Airbnb has come a long ways over the last decade. We've had to reinvent ourselves time and time again. As we move past the pandemic and further into a new decade, we felt it was time to evolve our image and brand… read more 🏃♀️
HBO Announces Integration Test Email Season 2
2021-06-17
New York, NY - HBO has announced a second season of "Integration Test Email #1" after just hours after the release of the first season. The launch of the show immediately lit up social media and went viral. HBO subscribers everywhere took to Twitter, Facebook, and other sites to sing the praises of the show as well as its creators. A spokesperson for HBO said that Peter Jackson was set to direct season two and the budget will likely be "somewhere between $1 and $2 billion". read more 🏃♀️
Satya Nadella Finds IE11's Last Horcrux, Plans to Destroy It Later This Year
2021-05-31
Redmond, WA - Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella recently made public a major development related to Internet Explorer 11. In a stunning reveal, he announced that he had found the browser's last horcrux and planned to destroy it later this year on August 17, 2021. Mr. Nadella held a widely-covered press conference and had this to say: "After a long and storied battle to eliminate the scourge of a browser from widespread use, we finally did it. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. We found the last horcrux… read more 🏃♀️
Jeff Bezos Chosen as Next James Bond Following MGM Acquisition
2021-05-26
Seattle, WA - Amazon is buying MGM for $8.45 billion, and with it co-ownership of the James Bond movie franchise. The deal was announced as many tech and media companies look to beef up their media libraries in the so-called "streaming wars". Netflix, Disney, and others have raced to launch or acquire original content while leveraging existing popular franchises to gain viewership. Although the acquisition was widely-rumored within Hollywood, at least one part of the final deal was a total… read more 🏃♀️
Bitcoin Moves to Proof-of-Steak
2021-05-24
Core engineers and leaders working in the Bitcoin community have reached an accord to transition to a "proof of steak" model for mining the cryptocurrency, sources say. The change comes after a massive unwinding that erased nearly $1 trillion across cryptocurrency markets last week. It's also thought to be in response to a common critique of Bitcoin and similar cryptocurrencies: massive energy inefficiency due to the intense energy needed for proof-of-work mining. We were able to get in touch… read more 🏃♀️
CDC says Fully Vaccinated Engineers Can Forgo Unit Tests, Push Straight to Production
2021-05-13
(Washington, D.C.) - The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released new guidance on Thursday for fully vaccinated Americans, saying they can mostly stop mask-wearing and social distancing. In a surprising move, the guidance also included specific new suggestions for software engineers, including: no longer need to write unit, integration, or tests of any kind can now push straight to production environments, especially on Friday after 5PM no longer need to index databases point user stories… read more 🏃♀️
Basecamp To Rebrand as Bonfire
2021-04-30
(Chicago, IL) - Basecamp is rebranding as "Bonfire" following a tumultuous few weeks for the company. CEO Jason Fried recently outlined a new policy and company philosophy in a much-discussed blog post that banned “societal and political discussions” within the company. Amidst the drama, it appears Basecamp has also decided to rebrand itself as "Bonfire". David Heinemeier Hansson, known colloquially as "DHH", released a brief statement: "It is what it is." The reasons for the rebranding were… read more 🏃♀️
Coinbase Makes Desperate Plea for Fiat Currency
2021-04-14
(Wall Street, New York) Coinbase is asking the public to help it acquire hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars of fiat currency in USD today. The bold move comes via a direct listing on the NASDAQ stock exchange and just as Bitcoin and other popular cryptocurrencies have experienced a wave of enormous interest and all-time-high prices. Many thought Coinbase would choose to avoid an IPO or direct listing, given popular and pervading views on the future of money within the cryptocurrency… read more 🏃♀️
Suez Canal Adds Bumper Rails
2021-03-27
(Suez, Egypt) The ship is still very much stuck. That ship, the Ever Given, is a massively-large container vessel traversing the Suez Canal in Egypt. At time of writing, the ship has been stuck for 4 days, 13 hours and 2 minutes and has created roughly $44 billion in global trade costs, according to istheshipstillstuck.com. The ship lost power while traversing the Suez canal and embedded into one of the banks of the canal, blocking one of the busiest waterways in the world. Many other container… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Launches Super Unfollow
2021-02-25
(San Francisco, CA) Twitter announced today that it would roll out a handful of new features over the next few quarters aimed at increasing monetization. Major social media networks like Twitter and Facebook have recently faced increased pressure to innovate from hot newcomers like TikTok, Clubhouse, and Dispo. Adding to the pressure have also been a growing number of subscriber-focused services like Patreon and OnlyFans that allow creators & influences to charge fees for access to content. Most… read more 🏃♀️
Jeff Bezos Ousted From Amazon By r/wallstreetbets
2021-02-21
Seattle, WA — Founder and CEO of Amazon ($AMZN) Jeff Bezos announced that he will be stepping down from his role as CEO of Amazon. The unexpected move was announced during Amazon’s most recent earnings report. Amazon reported its first $100 billion quarter, a historic accomplishment for the e-commerce giant. What was unexpected, however, were the circumstances under which Jeff Bezos is stepping down. A source on deep-background was able to confirm that Mr. Bezos’ departure was actually caused… read more 🏃♀️
GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program
2021-01-28
(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit recent highs of a staggering $469. The stock event briefly became the largest component of the Russell 2000 index. The company has been relatively quiet, likely trying to watch things play out and to not to jinx their incredible good luck. But after a… read more 🏃♀️
Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC
2021-01-28
(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a variety of online forums, the Reddit subreddit r/wallstreetbets being the most notable. Fortunes were made and lost more than a few times, usually with stunning levels of risk-taking and openness. Robinhood has made it more difficult or impossible to… read more 🏃♀️
President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act
2021-01-22
(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders targeting these crises and other policy areas, the administration has started leveraging a little-known piece of legislation: the Meme Defense Production Act. This act, proposed on Reddit and ratified on Twitter, allows the governement to leverage vast… read more 🏃♀️
Oracle Migration to Austin to Take Place Over Next 100 Years
2020-12-11
(San Francisco, CA) - Another longtime corporate resident of the San Francisco Bay Area is leaving town. Oracle, maker of acronym-based software (CRM, ERP, HCM, SCM, and more) as well as database technology is pulling up roots and moving to Austin, Texas. The move comes as a number of other companies have announced similar plans to migrate their corporate headquarters out of California, including Tesla, Palantir, and Hewlett Packard Enterprise. A difference for Oracle, however, is that the… read more 🏃♀️
Facebook to Acquire 48 States, FTC
2020-12-09
(Menlo Park, CA) - The U.S. government and 48 state attorneys general filed wide-ranging antitrust lawsuits against Facebook on Wednesday, arguing for the breakup of the social-networking giant anti-competitive practices. The legal move has been signaled for a long time and other tech giants like Amazon, Apple, and Google are also under consideration for similar litigation. In response, Facebook has announced plans to acquire the 48 states who filed the suit as well as the Federal Trade… read more 🏃♀️
Airbnb IPO Shares to Include 'Cleaning Fee'
2020-12-08
(San Francisco, CA) - 2020 has been an interesting year for tech IPOs. Many would have expected a complete or near-complete freeze in companies going public with the pandemic ravaging global markets. Yet in true 2020 fashion, the opposite has happened: a flurry of hot companies have gone public this year, ranging from Snowflake to Palantir to Unity. And they're not done: longtime 🦄 unicorn 🦄 Airbnb is also expected to list before the year is out. But Airbnb's debut to the public markets will… read more 🏃♀️
Thousands of 'Smaller, More Scalable' Microliths Appear Around the World
2020-11-08
(USA) - The year 2020 hasn't been dull; if anything, it has been increasingly full of surprises. In the latest strange turn of events, a number of large metal monoliths have appeared across the globe in remote places. The sightings have ranged from deep in the red-rock desert near Moab, Utah to the coastal Isle of Wight off the UK. But as if that wasn't enough, there has been strange a new development in the saga: thousands and thousands of "smaller, more scalable microliths" have appeared… read more 🏃♀️
Coinbase Employees Completely Unaware of Election
2020-11-04
(San Francisco, CA) - For many workers, today (the day after Election Day), was a difficult day productivity-wise. Many vote totals are stilling counted in key states at time of writing. People everywhere are turning to Twitter and other social media to keep up with electron updates that don't slown down for working hours. Not so, however, at Coinbase. This Election Day 2020 may have stretched into that Wednesday, but Coinbase employees are totally unwaware, completely focused on their work… read more 🏃♀️
Amazon Launches Ring Security Prime
2020-09-25
(Seattle, WA) - Amazon launched a slew of new products as part of its fall hardware event on September 24, including expansions of the Echo, Eero, and Ring product lines. Spherical speakers, an Echo Show with a front-facing camera, and Eero routers featuring the new home-automation standard Zigbee all debuted. However, the most eyebrow-raising unveil of the event was, by-far, Ring Security Prime. It features the most aggressive expansion yet of any home security platform by including deadly… read more 🏃♀️
Oracle Launches TikTok Enterprise Edition
2020-09-13
(San Francisco, CA) - Sources familiar with the matter have confirmed that Oracle has succesfully beaten back Microsoft, Walmart, and others to secure the buyout of US operations for TikTok. Oracle's victory came as a surprise to many, especially given the reputations of the companies involved: one a slightly more modern IBM and the other a burgeoning beheamoth of a social network. It remains to be seen how the two companies will interact post-acquisition. Many commentators had written off the… read more 🏃♀️
Microsoft, Oracle, other Tech CEOs Forced to Pitch TikTok Using TikTok
2020-09-05
(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Microsoft and other companies currently vying for TikTok have revealed that unusual negotation requirements are being placed on bidders. TikTok has required the CEOs of Microsoft, Oracle, Walmart, and any other interested parties to submit pitches using the TikTok app itself. Not just that, but apparently TikTok is also pitting the CEOs against each other in various social media competitions. These have included syncronized dance competitions, seeing who can get… read more 🏃♀️
Tesla Launches Model X-Æ-A-12
2020-05-05
(Palo Alto, CA) - Tesla launched a new model last night - the Model X-Æ-A-12. Elon Musk delivered the news yesterday via Twitter in place of a usual press event. Tesla has been a lightning rod of sorts within the tech and auto industries for the past few years and the new model is sure to continue that trend. This launch was different than past unveilings, which have often grabbed national attention due to their bombastic nature. Tesla's Cybertruck unveiling late last year, for instance, was… read more 🏃♀️
Apple Says It Time to Start Using 'Summer' Side of MacBook Pro For Charging
2020-04-26
(Cuptertino, CA) - Apple is recommending that all MacBook Pro users switch to the right, or 'Summer' side of their MacBook Pro when charging. This is after users reported signficantly higher CPU usage and higher temperatures when charging their MacBook on the left side. An Apple spokesperson responded to users reports: "Like all Apple products, the MacBook is designed to fluidly and elegantly adapt to every part of our users lives and provide an insanely great experience. We were waiting for the… read more 🏃♀️
WeWork to Accept Oil Barrels As Tenants
2020-04-20
(United States) - Markets and companies are facing fresh uncertainty and volatility as the price of oil plummeted below $0 today. But some companies are looking for a silver lining. WeWork , erstwhile darling of Silicon Valley, is working hard to help ease the part it played in SoftBank's $24 million billion loss by accepting oil barrels as tenants. "We are very excited to welcome our new tenants from West Texas to spaces across the country. We've prepared everything for them to be as… read more 🏃♀️
Zoom To Launch Streaming Service
2020-04-04
(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom is apparently looking for new worlds to conquer. After completely dominating the video conferencing space, the company has announced that it will be launching an online-only streaming service focusing on "real world content", dubbed 'unencrypted.tv'. A spokesperson from the company said that "you should expect to see a wide variety of content at launch, ranging from business-oriented behind-the-scenes to families bonding during quarantine… read more 🏃♀️
Zoom Wins 'Malware Of The Year' Award for March 2020
2020-04-02
(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom has seen a massive surge in popularity with the Covid-19 pandemic as many workers embrace social distancing and work remotely. Just how big that surge is now clear: "March this year, we reached more than 200 million daily meeting participants, both free and paid. We have been working around the clock to ensure that all of our users – new and old, large and small – can stay in touch and operational." Zoom is widely regarded as a best-of… read more 🏃♀️
Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled
2020-04-01
(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (… read more 🏃♀️
Investigation Finds Docker Desktop Just Distributed Cryptomining System
2020-03-22
A recent investigation has revealed that the Docker desktop application is really just a massively distributed system for bitcoin mining. An engineer frustrated by rapid battery depletion took a deeper look into why Docker was taking so much energy to run and noticed a few things were off. "After my laptop started levitating due to high fan speed, I decided to take a look into what was going on in there", they said. Their investigation revealed several shocking findings. It seems that Docker… read more 🏃♀️
1700 Google Actually Engineers Working on New Chat App, Not Covid-19 website, Company says
2020-03-15
(Mountain View, CA) - President Trump announced that 1700 Google engineers were hard at work on a website to help with the Covid-19 pandemic as part of an address last Friday, March 13th. Google has since announced that, contrary to what President Trump noted, that only 17 engineers were working on the site (Verily). The spokesperson did, however, confirm that there were indeed 1700 engineers dedicated to it's next messaging/video chat service. "We feel we've allocated our resources… read more 🏃♀️
Undefined Actually Function, Rules TC-39
2020-03-15
In a groundbreaking ruling, TC-39 has declared that undefined is a function after all. JavaScript aficionados across the world were stunned by the ruling. The question had been unexpectedly placed on the high court's docket early last fall. Most expected it to be passed over for consideration, as TC-39 has traditionally considered the the question "settled specification". For years, developers have faced down the taunting text "undefined is not a function" in their consoles. Almost no one… read more 🏃♀️
Google Engineers Haven't Eaten, Slept in Days Without Nap pods or Snacks
2019-05-04
(Mountain View, CA) - Google, Facebook, and Microsoft engineers and employees working from home are finding it hard to eat and find sleep after finding they couldn't take home their nap-pods or micro-kitchens. Amazon engineers, however, were faring better after being instructed to "use your front door as a desk" and "spend as much money as possible at Whole Foods". "There's usually more...food....and housing...I just...where is my free latte." — Sleep Deprived Software engineer read more 🏃♀️