social-media

Microsoft, Oracle, other Tech CEOs Forced to Pitch TikTok Using TikTok

September 05, 2020

(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Microsoft and other companies currently vying for TikTok have revealed that unusual negotation requirements are being placed on bidders. TikTok has required the CEOs of Microsoft, Oracle, Walmart, and any other interested parties to submit pitches using the TikTok app itself. Not just that, but apparently TikTok is also pitting the CEOs against each other in various social media competitions. These have included syncronized dance competitions, seeing who can get more followers in a day, and even a competition to who can more effectively apologize to followers for some untoward activity.

"We really want to buy TikTok, but honestly it's almost too much at this point. For like a month now I've spent nearly every day filming dances or things where I throw a shoe and then change clothes, and other random stuff. Larry Ellison and I have had to dance-off against each other something like 15 times at this point. It's exhausting and humiliating. But for the record I will do literally anything to buy TikTok. Keep the challenges coming", said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

The tumultuous sale of TikTok has proved to be one of the most unique and dramatic stories in tech over over the past few years. The social network has exploded in popularity worldwide, prompting Facebook to rev up it's copy machine in order to combat growth. In a new twist, though, national security concerns around TikTok's murky relationship with China have prompted countries to consider bans or, as in the case of the US, forced sales of the company.

Many expected the deal to be taking so long to materialize due to the complexity and rushed circumstances, but few forsaw the bizarre pitch and negotiation requirements coming. At press time, Microsoft was said to be assembling an army of highly trained influencers to vanquish other bidders once and for all.