San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam Altman was lowered in from the rafters using a harness and was greeted by a cheering crowd of employees. Fireworks were set off outside the building.

Altman was said to give a brief speech as he was lowered from above, according to an OpenAI employee who recorded the events.

"I'm back, baby! Thank you to everyone who participated in the loyalty test. I understand it was a bit...unorthodox, but I think we can all agree that it was necessary. I'm glad to be back and I'm looking forward to working with all of you again and making an absolute mountain of cash. Those of you that haven't been...terminated, that is [maniacal laughter]."

Most employees were glad to see Altman return and investors even more so. Some employees noted small differences in Sam's appearance, however. "He's a bit more...shiny, or something, than before," said one employee. "And he's got this really faint, blue glow to him. I swear I saw his eyes flash red for a second. But I'm sure it's nothing, I haven't slept in like 3 days [laughing]."