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Coinbase Makes Desperate Plea for Fiat Currency

2021-04-14

(Wall Street, New York) Coinbase is asking the public to help it acquire hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars of fiat currency in USD today. The bold move comes via a direct listing on the NASDAQ stock exchange and just as Bitcoin and other popular cryptocurrencies have experienced a wave of enormous interest and all-time-high prices. Many thought Coinbase would choose to avoid an IPO or direct listing, given popular and pervading views on the future of money within the cryptocurrency… read more 🏃‍♀️

Suez Canal Adds Bumper Rails, to Deploy Clifford the Big Red Dog

2021-03-27

(Suez, Egypt) The ship is still very much stuck. That ship, the Ever Given, is a massively-large container vessel traversing the Suez Canal in Egypt. At time of writing, the ship has been stuck for 4 days, 13 hours and 2 minutes and has created roughly $44 billion in global trade costs, according to istheshipstillstuck.com. The ship lost power while traversing the Suez canal and embedded into one of the banks of the canal, blocking one of the busiest waterways in the world. Many other container… read more 🏃‍♀️

GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program

2021-01-28

(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit recent highs of a staggering $469. The stock event briefly became the largest component of the Russell 2000 index. The company has been relatively quiet, likely trying to watch things play out and to not to jinx their incredible good luck. But after a… read more 🏃‍♀️

Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC

2021-01-28

(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a variety of online forums, the Reddit subreddit r/wallstreetbets being the most notable. Fortunes were made and lost more than a few times, usually with stunning levels of risk-taking and openness. Robinhood has made it more difficult or impossible to… read more 🏃‍♀️

President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act

2021-01-22

(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders targeting these crises and other policy areas, the administration has started leveraging a little-known piece of legislation: the Meme Defense Production Act. This act, proposed on Reddit and ratified on Twitter, allows the governement to leverage vast… read more 🏃‍♀️

Tesla Launches Model X-Æ-A-12

2020-05-05

(Palo Alto, CA) - Tesla launched a new model last night - the Model X-Æ-A-12. Elon Musk delivered the news yesterday via Twitter in place of a usual press event. Tesla has been a lightning rod of sorts within the tech and auto industries for the past few years and the new model is sure to continue that trend. This launch was different than past unveilings, which have often grabbed national attention due to their bombastic nature. Tesla's Cybertruck unveiling late last year, for instance, was… read more 🏃‍♀️

WeWork to Accept Oil Barrels As Tenants

2020-04-20

(United States) - Markets and companies are facing fresh uncertainty and volatility as the price of oil plummeted below $0 today. But some companies are looking for a silver lining. WeWork , erstwhile darling of Silicon Valley, is working hard to help ease the part it played in SoftBank's $24 million billion loss by accepting oil barrels as tenants. "We are very excited to welcome our new tenants from West Texas to spaces across the country. We've prepared everything for them to be as… read more 🏃‍♀️

Zoom To Launch Streaming Service

2020-04-04

(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom is apparently looking for new worlds to conquer. After completely dominating the video conferencing space, the company has announced that it will be launching an online-only streaming service focusing on "real world content", dubbed 'unencrypted.tv'. A spokesperson from the company said that "you should expect to see a wide variety of content at launch, ranging from business-oriented behind-the-scenes to families bonding during quarantine… read more 🏃‍♀️

Zoom Wins 'Malware Of The Year' Award for March 2020

2020-04-02

(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom has seen a massive surge in popularity with the Covid-19 pandemic as many workers embrace social distancing and work remotely. Just how big that surge is now clear: "March this year, we reached more than 200 million daily meeting participants, both free and paid. We have been working around the clock to ensure that all of our users – new and old, large and small – can stay in touch and operational." Zoom is widely regarded as a best-of… read more 🏃‍♀️

Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled

2020-04-01

(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (… read more 🏃‍♀️

1700 Google Actually Engineers Working on New Chat App, Not Covid-19 website, Company says

2020-03-15

(Mountain View, CA) - President Trump announced that 1700 Google engineers were hard at work on a website to help with the Covid-19 pandemic as part of an address last Friday, March 13th. Google has since announced that, contrary to what President Trump noted, that only 17 engineers were working on the site (Verily). The spokesperson did, however, confirm that there were indeed 1700 engineers dedicated to it's next messaging/video chat service. "We feel we've allocated our resources… read more 🏃‍♀️

Undefined Actually Function, Rules TC-39

2020-03-15

In a groundbreaking ruling, TC-39 has declared that undefined is a function after all. JavaScript aficionados across the world were stunned by the ruling. The question had been unexpectedly placed on the high court's docket early last fall. Most expected it to be passed over for consideration, as TC-39 has traditionally considered the the question "settled specification". For years, developers have faced down the taunting text "undefined is not a function" in their consoles. Almost no one… read more 🏃‍♀️

Google Engineers Haven't Eaten, Slept in Days Without Nap pods or Snacks

2019-05-04

(Mountain View, CA) - Google, Facebook, and Microsoft engineers and employees working from home are finding it hard to eat and find sleep after finding they couldn't take home their nap-pods or micro-kitchens. Amazon engineers, however, were faring better after being instructed to "use your front door as a desk" and "spend as much money as possible at Whole Foods". "There's usually more...food....and housing...I just...where is my free latte." — Sleep Deprived Software engineer read more 🏃‍♀️

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