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Satya Nadella Finds IE11's Last Horcrux, Plans to Destroy It Later This Year

Redmond, WA - Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella recently made public a major development related to Internet Explorer 11. In a stunning reveal, he announced that he had found the browser's last horcrux and planned to destroy it later this year on August 17, 2021. Mr. Nadella held a widely-covered press conference and had this to say: "After a long and storied battle to eliminate the scourge of a browser from widespread use, we finally did it. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. We found the last horcrux hidden deep within quirks mode. It was a subtle CSS bug that could only be resolved when it was Wednesday and !important was used in all CSS properties. We are incredibly excited about this major… Read more

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Jeff Bezos Chosen as Next James Bond Following MGM Acquisition

Seattle, WA - Amazon is buying MGM for $8.45 billion, and with it co-ownership of the James Bond movie franchise. The deal was announced as many tech and media companies look to beef up their media libraries in the so-called "streaming wars". Netflix…

news

Bitcoin Moves to Proof-of-Steak

Core engineers and leaders working in the Bitcoin community have reached an accord to transition to a "proof of steak" model for mining the cryptocurrency, sources say. The change comes after a massive unwinding that erased nearly $1 trillion across…

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CDC says Fully Vaccinated Engineers Can Forgo Unit Tests, Push Straight to Production

(Washington, D.C.) - The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released new guidance on Thursday for fully vaccinated Americans, saying they can mostly stop mask-wearing and social distancing. In a surprising move, the guidance also included specific new…

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Basecamp To Rebrand as Bonfire

(Chicago, IL) - Basecamp is rebranding as "Bonfire" following a tumultuous few weeks for the company. CEO Jason Fried recently outlined a new policy and company philosophy in a much-discussed blog post that banned “societal and political discussions…

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Tesla Launches Model X-Æ-A-12

(Palo Alto, CA) - Tesla launched a new model last night - the Model X-Æ-A-12. Elon Musk delivered the news yesterday via Twitter in place of a usual press event. Tesla has been a lightning rod of sorts within the tech and auto industries for the past…

tech

Apple Says It Time to Start Using 'Summer' Side of MacBook Pro For Charging

(Cuptertino, CA) - Apple is recommending that all MacBook Pro users switch to the right, or 'Summer' side of their MacBook Pro when charging. This is after users reported signficantly higher CPU usage and higher temperatures when charging their…

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WeWork to Accept Oil Barrels As Tenants

(United States) - Markets and companies are facing fresh uncertainty and volatility as the price of oil plummeted below $0 today. But some companies are looking for a silver lining. WeWork , erstwhile darling of Silicon Valley, is working hard to…

news

Zoom To Launch Streaming Service

(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom is apparently looking for new worlds to conquer. After completely dominating the video conferencing space, the company has announced that it will be launching an online-only streaming service…

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Twitter Launches Super Unfollow

(San Francisco, CA) Twitter announced today that it would roll out a handful of new features over the next few quarters aimed at increasing monetization. Major social media networks like Twitter and Facebook have recently faced increased pressure to…

Jeff Bezos Ousted From Amazon By r/wallstreetbets

Seattle, WA — Founder and CEO of Amazon ($AMZN) Jeff Bezos announced that he will be stepping down from his role as CEO of Amazon. The unexpected move was announced during Amazon’s most recent earnings report. Amazon reported its first $100 billion…

GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program

(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit…

Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC

(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a…

President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act

(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders…

Oracle Migration to Austin to Take Place Over Next 100 Years

(San Francisco, CA) - Another longtime corporate resident of the San Francisco Bay Area is leaving town. Oracle, maker of acronym-based software (CRM, ERP, HCM, SCM, and more) as well as database technology is pulling up roots and moving to Austin…

Facebook to Acquire 48 States, FTC

(Menlo Park, CA) - The U.S. government and 48 state attorneys general filed wide-ranging antitrust lawsuits against Facebook on Wednesday, arguing for the breakup of the social-networking giant anti-competitive practices. The legal move has been…

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