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Microsoft Concludes Global Survey To See Who Uses Windows
Redmond, Washington - Microsoft has concluded a global survey of who uses Windows, and the results are in: it's everyone. The survey, which was conducted over about 24 hours starting early on July 19th, found that Windows is used by nearly 100% of people and businesses who use computers in some fashion. The survey found that Windows is used by businesses in every country and every industry, including airports, hospitals, hotels, metro systems, ad display systems on Times Square, the entire Las Vegas Sphere, systems as the Department of Homeland Security, and even stock exchanges. Sometimes-rival company Crowdstrike sponsored the survey. A spokesperson for Crowdstrike said that they were… Read more
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CrowdStrike Activates 'Three-Day Weekend' Mode
Austin, Texas - CrowdStrike, a leading cybersecurity company, has announced that it has activated "Three-Day Weekend" mode for all Windows machines around the globe. The new feature, which is part of the company's Falcon platform, will allow Windows…
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Nvidia Launches HeatSync: GPU-Powered Smart Mug
San Francisco, CA - Nvidia has launched the "HeatSync Mug", a GPU-powered smart-mug/warmer. The device is powered by a miniaturized version of Nvidia's ultra-popular A100 GPU, and is capable of keeping a mug of coffee or tea at a constant temperature…
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OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test
San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam…
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Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman
Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus…
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Twitter Launches Super Unfollow
(San Francisco, CA) Twitter announced today that it would roll out a handful of new features over the next few quarters aimed at increasing monetization. Major social media networks like Twitter and Facebook have recently faced increased pressure to…
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Jeff Bezos Ousted From Amazon By r/wallstreetbets
Seattle, WA — Founder and CEO of Amazon ($AMZN) Jeff Bezos announced that he will be stepping down from his role as CEO of Amazon. The unexpected move was announced during Amazon’s most recent earnings report. Amazon reported its first $100 billion…
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GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program
(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit…
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Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC
(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a…
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Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Don't Follow Elon Musk
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be suspending all accounts that do not follow Twitter owner and CEO Elon Musk. According to a statement from the company, "We have determined that following Elon Musk is the key to a successful…
Santa's Elves Announce Sub-1-Nanometer Process for CPUs
The North Pole - Santa's elves have announced that they have created a sub-1-nanometer process for their CPU chips. This groundbreaking technology is the smallest and most advanced in the world, and it will allow the elves to create faster, more…
Twitter Launches 'Madlad Mode' Subscription Service
San Francisco, CA - In a surprising move, Twitter has announced the launch of "Madlad Mode", a new subscription service that promises to bring users twice as many tweets from the one and only Elon Musk. According to sources, the new service will give…
Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas
New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest…
Twitter Gives Ad Servers the Rest of the Year Off
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it is giving its ad servers a much-needed vacation for the rest of the year. According to sources familiar with the matter, the social media company has been struggling to provide sufficient backlog for…
Incredible Black Friday & Cyber Week Sales on NFTs
Miami, Floria - People are seeing incredible deals on NFTS, the digital collectibles powered by cryptocurrencies, for the Black Friday and Cyber Week shopping holidays this year. Some are on sale for as much as 97% compared to their cost last year…
Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach
Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU…
