news
OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test
San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam Altman was lowered in from the rafters using a harness and was greeted by a cheering crowd of employees. Fireworks were set off outside the building. Altman was said to give a brief speech as he was lowered from above, according to an OpenAI employee who recorded the events. "I'm back, baby! Thank you to everyone who participated in the loyalty test. I understand it was a bit...unorthodox, but I think we can all agree that it was necessary. I'm… Read more
news
Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman
Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus…
news
GPT-5 Replaces Sam Altman as CEO of OpenAI
San Francisco, CA - OpenAI has announced that it will be replacing Sam Altman as CEO with GPT-5, the company's next-generation large language model. The move comes after a the OpenAI board of directors conducted "a deliberative and thorough review…
news
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Have Other Social Profiles
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be banning all users who have any other social media accounts. The company cites "an excess of fake news and misinformation" as the reason for the drastic measure. According to a statement…
news
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Don't Follow Elon Musk
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be suspending all accounts that do not follow Twitter owner and CEO Elon Musk. According to a statement from the company, "We have determined that following Elon Musk is the key to a successful…
news
GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program
(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit…
news
Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC
(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a…
news
President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act
(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders…
news
Oracle Migration to Austin to Take Place Over Next 100 Years
(San Francisco, CA) - Another longtime corporate resident of the San Francisco Bay Area is leaving town. Oracle, maker of acronym-based software (CRM, ERP, HCM, SCM, and more) as well as database technology is pulling up roots and moving to Austin…
The Latest
Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas
New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest…
Twitter Gives Ad Servers the Rest of the Year Off
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it is giving its ad servers a much-needed vacation for the rest of the year. According to sources familiar with the matter, the social media company has been struggling to provide sufficient backlog for…
Incredible Black Friday & Cyber Week Sales on NFTs
Miami, Floria - People are seeing incredible deals on NFTS, the digital collectibles powered by cryptocurrencies, for the Black Friday and Cyber Week shopping holidays this year. Some are on sale for as much as 97% compared to their cost last year…
Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach
Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU…
President Biden Announces Emergency Release From Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve
Washington, DC - President Biden announced Wednesday that he is authorizing the release of 1.5 million tickets from the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve. Biden said the 1.5 million tickets will be released over the next two weeks, which should…
Ticketmaster Demoted to TicketApprentice Following Taylor Swift Debacle
San Francisco, CA - Cries of outrage directed at Ticketmaster and Live Nation flooded social media after a fiasco over ticket sales for pop superstar Taylor Swift's upcoming “Eras” tour, which is slated to kick off in March. Ticket buyers complained…
FTX Experiencing Abnormal Activity; Mysterious 'FBS' Hacker Takes Credit
New York - Crypto exchange FTX is probing abnormalities in wallet transactions after more than $260 million of digital coins were withdrawn from the platform in the wake of the company’s bankruptcy. A hacker identifying as 'FBS' is taking credit for…
