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Nvidia Launches HeatSync: GPU-Powered Smart Mug

San Francisco, CA - Nvidia has launched the "HeatSync Mug", a GPU-powered smart-mug/warmer. The device is powered by a miniaturized version of Nvidia's ultra-popular A100 GPU, and is capable of keeping a mug of coffee or tea at a constant temperature of 140 degrees Fahrenheit for up to 1000 hours. The device is also capable of heating a mug of coffee or tea from room temperature to boiling in under 5 seconds. Users who are seeking multiple forms of functionality can also use "sauna mode", which can instantly vaporize a cup of water into the air using heat from the embedded A100 GPU. The smart-mug category has relatively few competitors, with the most popular being the Ember smart-mug, which… Read more

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OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test

San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam…

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Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman

Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus…

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GPT-5 Replaces Sam Altman as CEO of OpenAI

San Francisco, CA - OpenAI has announced that it will be replacing Sam Altman as CEO with GPT-5, the company's next-generation large language model. The move comes after a the OpenAI board of directors conducted "a deliberative and thorough review…

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Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Have Other Social Profiles

San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be banning all users who have any other social media accounts. The company cites "an excess of fake news and misinformation" as the reason for the drastic measure. According to a statement…

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Jeff Bezos Ousted From Amazon By r/wallstreetbets

Seattle, WA — Founder and CEO of Amazon ($AMZN) Jeff Bezos announced that he will be stepping down from his role as CEO of Amazon. The unexpected move was announced during Amazon’s most recent earnings report. Amazon reported its first $100 billion…

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GameStop To Offer Stock Trade-In Program

(Grapevine, TX) - GameStop has been making headlines in and out of the financial markets over the past week after its stock price was sent soaring by retail traders. The stock was trading at the $15-$20 level as recently as late 2020, but has hit…

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Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC

(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a…

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President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act

(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders…

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Twitter Launches 'Madlad Mode' Subscription Service

San Francisco, CA - In a surprising move, Twitter has announced the launch of "Madlad Mode", a new subscription service that promises to bring users twice as many tweets from the one and only Elon Musk. According to sources, the new service will give…

Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas

New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest…

Twitter Gives Ad Servers the Rest of the Year Off

San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it is giving its ad servers a much-needed vacation for the rest of the year. According to sources familiar with the matter, the social media company has been struggling to provide sufficient backlog for…

Incredible Black Friday & Cyber Week Sales on NFTs

Miami, Floria - People are seeing incredible deals on NFTS, the digital collectibles powered by cryptocurrencies, for the Black Friday and Cyber Week shopping holidays this year. Some are on sale for as much as 97% compared to their cost last year…

Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach

Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU…

President Biden Announces Emergency Release From Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve

Washington, DC - President Biden announced Wednesday that he is authorizing the release of 1.5 million tickets from the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve. Biden said the 1.5 million tickets will be released over the next two weeks, which should…

Ticketmaster Demoted to TicketApprentice Following Taylor Swift Debacle

San Francisco, CA - Cries of outrage directed at Ticketmaster and Live Nation flooded social media after a fiasco over ticket sales for pop superstar Taylor Swift's upcoming “Eras” tour, which is slated to kick off in March. Ticket buyers complained…

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