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Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Have Other Social Profiles
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be banning all users who have any other social media accounts. The company cites "an excess of fake news and misinformation" as the reason for the drastic measure. According to a statement released by Twitter, "We've noticed that a lot of our users seem to be using multiple social media platforms, and we believe this is contributing to the spread of misinformation in general. By banning all users who have accounts on other social media sites, we can ensure that only the most dedicated Twitter users remain." The move has been met with largely negative reactions from everyone but the Musk faithful. "I understand that fake news is a problem… Read more
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Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Don't Follow Elon Musk
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be suspending all accounts that do not follow Twitter owner and CEO Elon Musk. According to a statement from the company, "We have determined that following Elon Musk is the key to a successful…
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Santa's Elves Announce Sub-1-Nanometer Process for CPUs
The North Pole - Santa's elves have announced that they have created a sub-1-nanometer process for their CPU chips. This groundbreaking technology is the smallest and most advanced in the world, and it will allow the elves to create faster, more…
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Twitter Launches 'Madlad Mode' Subscription Service
San Francisco, CA - In a surprising move, Twitter has announced the launch of "Madlad Mode", a new subscription service that promises to bring users twice as many tweets from the one and only Elon Musk. According to sources, the new service will give…
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Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas
New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest…
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Robinhood to Re-brand as Sheriff of Nottingham Capital, LLC
(Menlo Park, CA) - Robinhood has made headlines throughout the Covid-19 pandemic as the trading app that millions of retail traders turned to to invest their extra time and money. New investors became day-traders using Robinhood and congregated on a…
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President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act
(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders…
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Oracle Migration to Austin to Take Place Over Next 100 Years
(San Francisco, CA) - Another longtime corporate resident of the San Francisco Bay Area is leaving town. Oracle, maker of acronym-based software (CRM, ERP, HCM, SCM, and more) as well as database technology is pulling up roots and moving to Austin…
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Facebook to Acquire 48 States, FTC
(Menlo Park, CA) - The U.S. government and 48 state attorneys general filed wide-ranging antitrust lawsuits against Facebook on Wednesday, arguing for the breakup of the social-networking giant anti-competitive practices. The legal move has been…
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Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach
Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU…
President Biden Announces Emergency Release From Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve
Washington, DC - President Biden announced Wednesday that he is authorizing the release of 1.5 million tickets from the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve. Biden said the 1.5 million tickets will be released over the next two weeks, which should…
Ticketmaster Demoted to TicketApprentice Following Taylor Swift Debacle
San Francisco, CA - Cries of outrage directed at Ticketmaster and Live Nation flooded social media after a fiasco over ticket sales for pop superstar Taylor Swift's upcoming “Eras” tour, which is slated to kick off in March. Ticket buyers complained…
FTX Experiencing Abnormal Activity; Mysterious 'FBS' Hacker Takes Credit
New York - Crypto exchange FTX is probing abnormalities in wallet transactions after more than $260 million of digital coins were withdrawn from the platform in the wake of the company’s bankruptcy. A hacker identifying as 'FBS' is taking credit for…
FTX Not Bankrupt, 'Our Balance Sheet is Just Highly Decentralized'
London - Sam Bankman-Fried, the billionaire founder of crypto exchange FTX, sought to reassure crypto investors on Monday after a rival exchange, Binance, said it would liquidate its holdings of FTX's native token. The exchange was catapulted into a…
Twitter Launches 15 New 'Verified' Labels
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has launched a new slew of 'verified' labels, just hours after killing a new official label. Mr. Musk pointed to Twitter Blue, the company’s revamped subscription service that charges people $7.99 to obtain various check…
Elon Musk Suspended from Twitter for 'Impersonating a CEO'
San Francisco, CA - Elon Musk has been banned from Twitter for "impersonating a CEO" as part of a new policy on impersonation at Twitter. After several celebrity and blue-check verified Twitter users changed their accounts to mimic the social network…
