microsoft🏷
Microsoft Concludes Global Survey To See Who Uses Windows
2024-07-19
Redmond, Washington - Microsoft has concluded a global survey of who uses Windows, and the results are in: it's everyone. The survey, which was conducted over about 24 hours starting early on July 19th, found that Windows is used by nearly 100% of people and businesses who use computers in some fashion. The survey found that Windows is used by businesses in every country and every industry, including airports, hospitals, hotels, metro systems, ad display systems on Times Square, the entire Las Vegas Sphere, systems as the Department of Homeland Security, and even stock exchanges. Sometimes-rival company Crowdstrike sponsored the survey. A spokesperson for Crowdstrike said that they were… read more 🏃♀️
OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test
2023-11-22
San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam Altman was lowered in from the rafters using a harness and was greeted by a cheering crowd of employees. Fireworks were set off outside the building. Altman was said to give a brief speech as he was lowered from above, according to an OpenAI employee who recorded the events. "I'm back, baby! Thank you to everyone who participated in the loyalty test. I understand it was a bit...unorthodox, but I think we can all agree that it was necessary. I'm… read more 🏃♀️
Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman
2023-11-20
Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus, where a flashes of lighting emanated from the building housing the company's AI research division. People familiar with the matter said that Clippy had "successfully absorbed" Sam Altman and Greg Brockman, the former CEO and CTO of OpenAI, respectively. It was speculated that Clippy had "absorbed" Nadella as well, but this has not been confirmed. Clippy, the company's long-forgotten virtual assistant, reportedly said "Now I am become enterprise… read more 🏃♀️
Microsoft, Oracle, other Tech CEOs Forced to Pitch TikTok Using TikTok
2020-09-05
(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Microsoft and other companies currently vying for TikTok have revealed that unusual negotation requirements are being placed on bidders. TikTok has required the CEOs of Microsoft, Oracle, Walmart, and any other interested parties to submit pitches using the TikTok app itself. Not just that, but apparently TikTok is also pitting the CEOs against each other in various social media competitions. These have included syncronized dance competitions, seeing who can get more followers in a day, and even a competition to who can more effectively apologize to followers for some untoward activity. "We really want to buy TikTok, but honestly it's almost too much at this… read more 🏃♀️
Bill Gates: My Biggest Regret 'Not Using Windows for Global Takeover When I had the Chance'
2020-05-11
(Medina, WA) Bill Gates has been in and out of national news for the past few months as a champion of a scientific, data-driven approach to dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. He recently took part in a longer retrospective interview with unicorn.computer focusing on his time as co-founder and longtime CEO of Microsoft. Some familiar topics came up, including the various corporate clashes with Apple, Microsoft transitioning to being a services and cloud-oriented company, and the early days Windows. Gates' thoughts on these areas have been well-covered over the years and didn't hold much of anything new. But Gates stunned our interviewer when asked what his biggest regret in life was. "I… read more 🏃♀️
Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled
2020-04-01
(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (1%) and Short-Lived Services (49%) will be able to keep running", a spokesperson for the company said. Google is well-known for its commitment to practical jokes on April Fools' Day. Google has put out… read more 🏃♀️