tech🏷
CrowdStrike Activates 'Three-Day Weekend' Mode
2024-07-19
Austin, Texas - CrowdStrike, a leading cybersecurity company, has announced that it has activated "Three-Day Weekend" mode for all Windows machines around the globe. The new feature, which is part of the company's Falcon platform, will allow Windows machines to automatically shut down and enter a secure state every Friday at 5:00 AM local time, and will remain in this state until Monday at 8:00 AM local time. The move comes in response to the increasing number of cyberattacks that occur over the weekend, when many organizations are understaffed and less able to respond to security incidents. By automatically shutting down Windows machines over the weekend, CrowdStrike hopes to reduce the… read more 🏃♀️
Microsoft Concludes Global Survey To See Who Uses Windows
2024-07-19
Redmond, Washington - Microsoft has concluded a global survey of who uses Windows, and the results are in: it's everyone. The survey, which was conducted over about 24 hours starting early on July 19th, found that Windows is used by nearly 100% of people and businesses who use computers in some fashion. The survey found that Windows is used by businesses in every country and every industry, including airports, hospitals, hotels, metro systems, ad display systems on Times Square, the entire Las Vegas Sphere, systems as the Department of Homeland Security, and even stock exchanges. Sometimes-rival company Crowdstrike sponsored the survey. A spokesperson for Crowdstrike said that they were… read more 🏃♀️
Nvidia Launches HeatSync: GPU-Powered Smart Mug
2023-12-07
San Francisco, CA - Nvidia has launched the "HeatSync Mug", a GPU-powered smart-mug/warmer. The device is powered by a miniaturized version of Nvidia's ultra-popular A100 GPU, and is capable of keeping a mug of coffee or tea at a constant temperature of 140 degrees Fahrenheit for up to 1000 hours. The device is also capable of heating a mug of coffee or tea from room temperature to boiling in under 5 seconds. Users who are seeking multiple forms of functionality can also use "sauna mode", which can instantly vaporize a cup of water into the air using heat from the embedded A100 GPU. The smart-mug category has relatively few competitors, with the most popular being the Ember smart-mug, which… read more 🏃♀️
OpenAI Concludes Sam Altman Loyalty Test
2023-11-22
San Francisco, CA - Airhorns blared and flashing blue lights strobed across the OpenAI offices in San Francisco as the company announced that it had concluded its "first loyalty test" of CEO Sam Altman. One employee said former-and-current CEO Sam Altman was lowered in from the rafters using a harness and was greeted by a cheering crowd of employees. Fireworks were set off outside the building. Altman was said to give a brief speech as he was lowered from above, according to an OpenAI employee who recorded the events. "I'm back, baby! Thank you to everyone who participated in the loyalty test. I understand it was a bit...unorthodox, but I think we can all agree that it was necessary. I'm… read more 🏃♀️
Flashes Reported Over Redmond, WA as Microsoft Clippy Absorbs Sam Altman and Greg Brockman
2023-11-20
Remind, WA - Flashes of eery azure blue light were reported over Redmond, Washington late Sunday. The flashes were accompanied by a low, droning hum that lasted for several hours. The source of the flashes and hum was traced to the Microsoft campus, where a flashes of lighting emanated from the building housing the company's AI research division. People familiar with the matter said that Clippy had "successfully absorbed" Sam Altman and Greg Brockman, the former CEO and CTO of OpenAI, respectively. It was speculated that Clippy had "absorbed" Nadella as well, but this has not been confirmed. Clippy, the company's long-forgotten virtual assistant, reportedly said "Now I am become enterprise… read more 🏃♀️
GPT-5 Replaces Sam Altman as CEO of OpenAI
2023-11-17
San Francisco, CA - OpenAI has announced that it will be replacing Sam Altman as CEO with GPT-5, the company's next-generation large language model. The move comes after a the OpenAI board of directors conducted "a deliberative and thorough review process and concluded that GPT5 is the right (person) to lead OpenAI into the future." Altman was a board member himself, and the decision was made unanimously apart from his vote. According to people familar with the matter, Mr. Altman was flabbergasted at the decision and had to be dragged out of the building by security while shouting "I am telling you RIGHT NOW, that m*********r GPT-5 back there is NOT REAL" over and over. The new "CEO" of… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Have Other Social Profiles
2022-12-18
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be banning all users who have any other social media accounts. The company cites "an excess of fake news and misinformation" as the reason for the drastic measure. According to a statement released by Twitter, "We've noticed that a lot of our users seem to be using multiple social media platforms, and we believe this is contributing to the spread of misinformation in general. By banning all users who have accounts on other social media sites, we can ensure that only the most dedicated Twitter users remain." The move has been met with largely negative reactions from everyone but the Musk faithful. "I understand that fake news is a problem… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter To Suspend All Users Who Don't Follow Elon Musk
2022-12-14
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it will be suspending all accounts that do not follow Twitter owner and CEO Elon Musk. According to a statement from the company, "We have determined that following Elon Musk is the key to a successful and fulfilling social media experience. Therefore, any account that does not follow Mr. Musk will be suspended." The move has sparked outrage among Twitter users, many of whom have accused the company of pandering to Musk's massive ego. "This is outrageous," said one user. "I shouldn't have to follow someone just because Twitter says so." Others have pointed out the absurdity of the situation, with one user tweeting, "So now we're all supposed to… read more 🏃♀️
Santa's Elves Announce Sub-1-Nanometer Process for CPUs
2022-12-13
The North Pole - Santa's elves have announced that they have created a sub-1-nanometer process for their CPU chips. This groundbreaking technology is the smallest and most advanced in the world, and it will allow the elves to create faster, more efficient, and more powerful chips than ever before. According to the elves, the new sub-1-nanometer chips will be instrumental in helping them create even more advanced toys and gadgets for the children of the world. They will also help Santa's sleigh fly faster and more smoothly on Christmas Eve, ensuring that all the good boys and girls get their presents on time. The news of the 1-nanometer process breakthrough has sent shockwaves throughout the… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Launches 'Madlad Mode' Subscription Service
2022-12-12
San Francisco, CA - In a surprising move, Twitter has announced the launch of "Madlad Mode", a new subscription service that promises to bring users twice as many tweets from the one and only Elon Musk. According to sources, the new service will give users access to an exclusive timeline featuring three times as many tweets from the Tesla and SpaceX CEO, as well as a host of other perks. "Madlad Mode is the ultimate way to experience all the Musk-ness that Twitter has to offer," said one Twitter spokesperson. But the launch of Madlad Mode has not been without controversy. Many users have criticized the service as being too exclusive, and have accused Twitter of prioritizing the tweets of a… read more 🏃♀️
Report: Many Parents Planning to Give Children NFTs for Christmas
2022-12-09
New York, NY - Reports from IRONY (Internet Research Organization of New York) indicate that many parents across the country are planning to give their kids a new kind of gift this Christmas. No, it's not the latest collectible craze or the latest and greatest gaming console. Instead, many parents are giving their children NFTs (non-fungible tokens) as gifts this Christmas. And while the parents may think they are giving their children the gift of millions of dollars, the kids are left feeling anything but jolly. "I don't understand it," said 8-year-old Timmy, who received an NFT of a virtual kitten as a gift from his parents. "It's just a bunch of numbers on a computer. It's not even a real… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Gives Ad Servers the Rest of the Year Off
2022-12-08
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has announced that it is giving its ad servers a much-needed vacation for the rest of the year. According to sources familiar with the matter, the social media company has been struggling to provide sufficient backlog for ads in recent months, and as a result, has run out of ads to serve. But it's not just the sheer volume of ads that has caused the problem - it seems that advertisers are simply losing interest in the platform. "We used to have so many ads to serve, our servers would sometimes smoke or break down from the load," said one Twitter engineer on the ads team. "But now that advertisers hate free speech and are trying to censor us, they're moving on to… read more 🏃♀️
Incredible Black Friday & Cyber Week Sales on NFTs
2022-11-25
Miami, Floria - People are seeing incredible deals on NFTS, the digital collectibles powered by cryptocurrencies, for the Black Friday and Cyber Week shopping holidays this year. Some are on sale for as much as 97% compared to their cost last year. We were able to catch up with some local shoppers to get their thoughts on the deals. Most were enthusiastic about the deals. "Really incredible. Last year, it was hard to believe that these pictures of cartoon gorillas and rocks were worth millions of dollars. And today it's still hard to believe they're worth 3% of millions of dollars" - Tom, 33 "Oh I love it. I've been trying to find this perfect rock JPEG for my significant other for ages and… read more 🏃♀️
Santa Clause Sued & Fined By European Union Over GDPR Breach
2022-11-23
Brussels, Belgium - Santa Clause, the globally-known ancient gift-giver, has been fined €100 trillion (~$103 trillion) by the European Data Protection Commission (DPC) over a "long-running string of persistent and historic data breaches". An EU spokesperson had this to say: "The case we are initiating today challenges Santa's use of a worldwide "Naughty or Nice" list as a prerequisite for children to receive Christmas gifts. Santa has long operated outside the law, collecting highly-sensitive, personally-identifiable information about millions and millions of children. Enough is enough. We're saying 'no no no' to the 'ho ho ho'" The EUDPC, which is the lead privacy regulator in the European… read more 🏃♀️
President Biden Announces Emergency Release From Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve
2022-11-17
Washington, DC - President Biden announced Wednesday that he is authorizing the release of 1.5 million tickets from the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve. Biden said the 1.5 million tickets will be released over the next two weeks, which should help keep "Swifties" — fans of Taylor Swift — at bay, he said. "Some folks got tickets, but many waited in line only to find they missed out or that the general sale wasn't happening. Families are hurting. Ticketmaster is failing us." Biden said. With only one third of the Strategic Taylor Swift Ticket Reserve still available — over 1 million tickets — the White House will prepare for future releases should the need arise in the coming months. The… read more 🏃♀️
Ticketmaster Demoted to TicketApprentice Following Taylor Swift Debacle
2022-11-16
San Francisco, CA - Cries of outrage directed at Ticketmaster and Live Nation flooded social media after a fiasco over ticket sales for pop superstar Taylor Swift's upcoming “Eras” tour, which is slated to kick off in March. Ticket buyers complained after the website appeared to crash, freeze, and glitch during purchases, leaving many unable to get tickets for the show. Ticketmaster attempted to mitigate the disaster by rescheduling the ticket release to later in the day — but to little effect. As part of the fallout, Ticketmaster was demoted to "apprentice" status on Wednesday. A spokesperson from the Tribunal of International Companies Knowing Everything about Ticketing (TICKET) had this… read more 🏃♀️
FTX Experiencing Abnormal Activity; Mysterious 'FBS' Hacker Takes Credit
2022-11-11
New York - Crypto exchange FTX is probing abnormalities in wallet transactions after more than $260 million of digital coins were withdrawn from the platform in the wake of the company’s bankruptcy. A hacker identifying as 'FBS' is taking credit for the actions. "Not so bankrupt now, am I!? 🖕" @notsbf twitter account, 9:39pm FTX’s Twitter account reposted a message from Ryne Miller, the general counsel of its US arm, saying the firm is “investigating abnormalities with wallet movements related to consolidation of ftx balances across exchanges. We are looking into legal action against the hacker known as Sam Bank— err, FBS” The past hour’s outflow is estimated to be an eye-popping minimum… read more 🏃♀️
FTX Not Bankrupt, 'Our Balance Sheet is Just Highly Decentralized'
2022-11-10
London - Sam Bankman-Fried, the billionaire founder of crypto exchange FTX, sought to reassure crypto investors on Monday after a rival exchange, Binance, said it would liquidate its holdings of FTX's native token. The exchange was catapulted into a crisis after Changpeng “CZ” Zhao, founder of rival Binance Holdings Ltd., announced plans to sell some $530 million worth of FTX’s utility token FTT, citing “recent revelations.” Binance had received the tokens when it sold a stake in FTX last year. FTT plunged soon after. "A competitor is trying to go after us with false rumors," FTX's Bankman-Fried said in a series of tweets on Monday. "FTX is fine. Assets are fine. Our balance sheet is just… read more 🏃♀️
Twitter Launches 15 New 'Verified' Labels
2022-11-09
San Francisco, CA - Twitter has launched a new slew of 'verified' labels, just hours after killing a new official label. Mr. Musk pointed to Twitter Blue, the company’s revamped subscription service that charges people $7.99 to obtain various check marks and other benefits, as the way for users to take advantage of the new labels. The new labels available to users follow a tiered model, with the cheapest ones ranging from $8-$20 per month for badges like "Basic Blue" or "Retweetable Red" all the way to the $10,000 and $20,000 per month tiers "lol 420 69" and "Memelord Mauve". The tiers also come with increased features and privileges. Users paying for the $200 per month "Tesla Teal" badge… read more 🏃♀️
Elon Musk Suspended from Twitter for 'Impersonating a CEO'
2022-11-08
San Francisco, CA - Elon Musk has been banned from Twitter for "impersonating a CEO" as part of a new policy on impersonation at Twitter. After several celebrity and blue-check verified Twitter users changed their accounts to mimic the social network’s new owner, Elon Musk, he called for a swift change to policy enforcement. Before Musk closed his $44 billion acquisition of Twitter on Oct. 28, the social network’s rules specified that users, “may not impersonate individuals, groups, or organizations to mislead, confuse, or deceive others, nor use a fake identity in a manner that disrupts the experience of others on Twitter.” Musk wrote on Sunday that, moving forward, Twitter will now… read more 🏃♀️
Mark Zuckerberg Donates Legs To Metaverse
2022-11-08
Menlo Park, CA - Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Friday that he was "donating his legs to the metaverse". He made the statement sitting down behind a desk that obscured his lower body at the company's headquarters in Menlo Park, CA. Meta has made a massive bet on the sucess of the metaverse, with Mr. Zuckerburg leading the charge. The company may spend as much as $100 billion over the next five years on metaverse-related efforts. To date, Horizon Worlds, the company's flagship metaverse product, lacked the ability for users to render and animate legs on avatars. It appears that Zuck is all in. He was said to have remarked that "the legs had to come from somewhere, right?...right?" before… read more 🏃♀️
63% of NPM Packages Stuck in Port of Long Beach
2021-12-27
Los Angeles, CA - Supply chain issues have been on the minds of shoppers everywhere in the US this holiday season. Demand shocks have hit markets around the world as businesses and economies more broadly have opened up after a prolonged slowdown brought about by the Covid-19 pandemic. Consumers have seen delivery times and prices increase and many Christmas gifts will arrive days or weeks into the new year. But even as the holidays wind down and Black Friday and Cyber Week have long come and gone, supply chain issues persist - even digital ones. According to a recent internal study at Github obtained by unicorn.computer, 63% of NPM packages are stuck waiting in data centers near the Port of… read more 🏃♀️
Log4j To Rebrand As Log4Good
2021-12-14
United States - Security teams at companies around the world are scrambling to patch a previously unknown vulnerability called Log4Shell, which has the potential to let hackers compromise an untold amount of devices and servers across the internet. The vulnerability allows remote code execution — the ability for hackers to run arbitrary code on vulnerable servers. This would allow bad actors to run malware, viruses, and other kinds of harmful software. The Log4Shell vulnerability is found in log4j, a widely-used open-source logging library found in Java applications. These kinds of applications power huge swaths of the internet. Logging is a process where applications keep a running list of… read more 🏃♀️
Zillow Releases Home iBuying Algorithm
2021-11-03
San Francisco, CA - The software-driven real estate company Zillow has announced it's throwing in the towel on its "iBuying" program. The iBuying, or instant buying, service also known as Zillow Offers had recently been bogged down by a backlog of renovations and closings caused by labor and supply shortages in the U.S. housing market. Zillow disclosed Tuesday that it lost about $304 million in the third quarter alone from the program. The losses stemmed from purchasing homes at higher prices than it now expects to sell them at. In the third quarter, it bought 9,680 homes but sold only 3,032. In an attempt to calm investors, the company also released the source code for their buying service… read more 🏃♀️
Facebook Rebrands as Meta, Goes All-in on Digital Pretzels
2021-10-28
Menlo Park, CA - Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday at his company’s Connect event that its new name will be Meta. In what was a surprise to many, he also added that the company will focus on digital baked goods, especially pretzels. “We are a company that builds technology to connect people to pretzels,” Zuckerberg said. “Together, we can finally put pretzels at the center of our technology. And together, we can unlock a massively bigger pretzel economy.” “To reflect who we are and what we hope to build,” he added. He said the name Facebook doesn’t fully encompass everything the company does now, and is still closely linked to one product. “But over time, I hope we are seen as… read more 🏃♀️
Twitch Goes Completely Open Source
2021-10-06
San Francisco, CA - Streaming company Twitch has gone completely open source. The company released a massive trove of code, internal data, and even software to the general public, including: 3 years worth of details regarding creator payouts on Twitch. The entirety of twitch.tv, “with commit history going back to its early beginnings.” Source code for the mobile, desktop, and video game console Twitch clients. Code related to proprietary SDKs and internal AWS services used by Twitch. An unreleased Steam competitor from Amazon Game Studios. Data on other Twitch properties like IGDB and CurseForge. Twitch’s internal security tools. The timing and nature of the move surprised many, leading to… read more 🏃♀️
Millions of Lies Go Unspread As Facebook, Instagram Go down
2021-10-04
San Francisco, CA - A massive outage has hit Facebook-owned social networks and caused hours of downtime for the social media giant. On Twitter, John Graham-Cumming, the CTO for Cloudflare said the problem was likely with Facebook’s authoritative DNS servers, which were not letting people connect to its sites like Instagram and WhatsApp. About five minutes before Facebook's DNS stopped working we saw a large number of BGP changes (mostly route withdrawals) for Facebook's ASN. @jgrahmc Outages are fairly common amongst large applications on the modern internet. But they are usually very brief or localized to a singular region or application. Huge swathes of a company's sites going down… read more 🏃♀️
Airbnb Rebrands To AirbnFee
2021-07-06
San Francisco, CA - Airbnb, the online vacation rental marketplace, has announced that it will be rebranding to AirbnFee. The change comes right as semi-local summer travel in the US is rebounding with a frenzy. AirbnFee Brian Chesky announced the change in a company blog post, saying "Airbnb has come a long ways over the last decade. We've had to reinvent ourselves time and time again. As we move past the pandemic and further into a new decade, we felt it was time to evolve our image and brand again around transparency. Fees are a central part of the AirbnFee experience and we want to ensure our company name reflects that." Customers reacted positively to the change. Jeff M., a long-time… read more 🏃♀️
HBO Announces Integration Test Email Season 2
2021-06-17
New York, NY - HBO has announced a second season of "Integration Test Email #1" after just hours after the release of the first season. The launch of the show immediately lit up social media and went viral. HBO subscribers everywhere took to Twitter, Facebook, and other sites to sing the praises of the show as well as its creators. A spokesperson for HBO said that Peter Jackson was set to direct season two and the budget will likely be "somewhere between $1 and $2 billion". read more 🏃♀️
Satya Nadella Finds IE11's Last Horcrux, Plans to Destroy It Later This Year
2021-05-31
Redmond, WA - Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella recently made public a major development related to Internet Explorer 11. In a stunning reveal, he announced that he had found the browser's last horcrux and planned to destroy it later this year on August 17, 2021. Mr. Nadella held a widely-covered press conference and had this to say: "After a long and storied battle to eliminate the scourge of a browser from widespread use, we finally did it. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. We found the last horcrux hidden deep within quirks mode. It was a subtle CSS bug that could only be resolved when it was Wednesday and !important was used in all CSS properties. We are incredibly excited about this major… read more 🏃♀️
Jeff Bezos Chosen as Next James Bond Following MGM Acquisition
2021-05-26
Seattle, WA - Amazon is buying MGM for $8.45 billion, and with it co-ownership of the James Bond movie franchise. The deal was announced as many tech and media companies look to beef up their media libraries in the so-called "streaming wars". Netflix, Disney, and others have raced to launch or acquire original content while leveraging existing popular franchises to gain viewership. Although the acquisition was widely-rumored within Hollywood, at least one part of the final deal was a total surprise: Jeff Bezos will be the next James Bond. The provision, buried deep within the larger deal, was surfaced and confirmed by the incredible unicorn.computer 🦄 investigative team. Section 1039… read more 🏃♀️
Bitcoin Moves to Proof-of-Steak
2021-05-24
Core engineers and leaders working in the Bitcoin community have reached an accord to transition to a "proof of steak" model for mining the cryptocurrency, sources say. The change comes after a massive unwinding that erased nearly $1 trillion across cryptocurrency markets last week. It's also thought to be in response to a common critique of Bitcoin and similar cryptocurrencies: massive energy inefficiency due to the intense energy needed for proof-of-work mining. We were able to get in touch with Satoshi Nakamoto, a cryptocurrency hobbyist, to help us better explain the change and what it means for markets: "Really what's happening here is that Elon Musk caught us red-handed. He's totally… read more 🏃♀️