Investigation Finds Docker Desktop Just Distributed Cryptomining System


A recent investigation has revealed that the Docker desktop application is really just a massively distributed system for bitcoin mining. An engineer frustrated by rapid battery depletion took a deeper look into why Docker was taking so much energy to run and noticed a few things were off. "After my laptop started levitating due to high fan speed, I decided to take a look into what was going on in there", they said. Their investigation revealed several shocking findings.

It seems that Docker appears to be a front for running an extremely large crypto-mining operation. "I found that the Docker runtime itself was actually more than 90% dedicated to mining Bitcoin and appears to have been designed to do so for at least the past 5 or more years. The actual code related to running applications was just Linux containers wrapped in Go. Everything else was dedicated ot mining bitcoin, ethereum, and dogecoin", they said. This would explain the widespread experience of laptop CPUs running at maximum capacity.

We took at look to see if Docker had been profiting from this nefarious activity, and what we found shocked us. After some quick google searches, hunches, and wild speculation, we were able to determine the following:

  • Docker's revenue is almost driven by their crypto activity
  • Docker swarm is actually the codename of a crypto mining gang that Docker is the leader of
  • in a stunning turn of events, it seems that Docker had partnered with npm to use npm's node_modules directory as a vast, distributed repository to store the data in. Our investigative team was the first to ever look inside these directories, found nearly wherever JavaScript is used
  • the term "crypto whale" now makes total sense; insiders appear to have known about this for years

Docker's dominance in the container space is so complete that it's unlikely anything will change as a result of this groundbreaking investigation.