President Biden Invokes Meme Defense Production Act


(Washington, D.C.) — A flurry of changes and executive actions have defined the the first few days of the Biden presidency. The new administration faces simultaneous financial, domestic, and economic crises. Amidst a series of executive orders targeting these crises and other policy areas, the administration has started leveraging a little-known piece of legislation: the Meme Defense Production Act. This act, proposed on Reddit and ratified on Twitter, allows the governement to leverage vast swathes of the internet towards a common goal. There are unconfirmed reports of its use in a military capacity in the past ("bean dad"), for political gain ("covefe"), and to promote general citizen… read more 🏃‍♀️

Bill Gates: My Biggest Regret 'Not Using Windows for Global Takeover When I had the Chance'


(Medina, WA) Bill Gates has been in and out of national news for the past few months as a champion of a scientific, data-driven approach to dealing with the Covid-19 pandemic. He recently took part in a longer retrospective interview with focusing on his time as co-founder and longtime CEO of Microsoft. Some familiar topics came up, including the various corporate clashes with Apple, Microsoft transitioning to being a services and cloud-oriented company, and the early days Windows. Gates' thoughts on these areas have been well-covered over the years and didn't hold much of anything new. But Gates stunned our interviewer when asked what his biggest regret in life was. "I… read more 🏃‍♀️

Tesla Launches Model X-Æ-A-12


(Palo Alto, CA) - Tesla launched a new model last night - the Model X-Æ-A-12. Elon Musk delivered the news yesterday via Twitter in place of a usual press event. Tesla has been a lightning rod of sorts within the tech and auto industries for the past few years and the new model is sure to continue that trend. This launch was different than past unveilings, which have often grabbed national attention due to their bombastic nature. Tesla's Cybertruck unveiling late last year, for instance, was filled with a polarizingly-designed eletric truck as well as sanfu-ridden live demos. Musk musk pulled out all the stops to make this year's launch a memorable one as holding a convential press event… read more 🏃‍♀️

WeWork to Accept Oil Barrels As Tenants


(United States) - Markets and companies are facing fresh uncertainty and volatility as the price of oil plummeted below $0 today. But some companies are looking for a silver lining. WeWork , erstwhile darling of Silicon Valley, is working hard to help ease the part it played in SoftBank's $24 million billion loss by accepting oil barrels as tenants. "We are very excited to welcome our new tenants from West Texas to spaces across the country. We've prepared everything for them to be as comfortable and productive as possible, from places to be stacked floor-to-celing to...that's about it. Really we're just very excited to have tenants that might be worth something someday. Wait wait - can you… read more 🏃‍♀️

Zoom To Launch Streaming Service


(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom is apparently looking for new worlds to conquer. After completely dominating the video conferencing space, the company has announced that it will be launching an online-only streaming service focusing on "real world content", dubbed ''. A spokesperson from the company said that "you should expect to see a wide variety of content at launch, ranging from business-oriented behind-the-scenes to families bonding during quarantine. We'ev secured access to a huge content library and we feel that's really going to set us up for a strong launch." The so-called "streaming wars" aren't taking any kind of break - even for the global… read more 🏃‍♀️

Zoom Wins 'Malware Of The Year' Award for March 2020


(San Jose, CA) - Video conferencing software company Zoom has seen a massive surge in popularity with the Covid-19 pandemic as many workers embrace social distancing and work remotely. Just how big that surge is now clear: "March this year, we reached more than 200 million daily meeting participants, both free and paid. We have been working around the clock to ensure that all of our users – new and old, large and small – can stay in touch and operational." Zoom is widely regarded as a best-of-breed solution, allowing it to pummel Microsoft's Skype — an early player in the space that had a nearly 10-year start. But despite being so widely loved and now used, more and more information about… read more 🏃‍♀️

Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled


(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (1%) and Short-Lived Services (49%) will be able to keep running", a spokesperson for the company said. Google is well-known for its commitment to practical jokes on April Fools' Day. Google has put out… read more 🏃‍♀️

1700 Google Actually Engineers Working on New Chat App, Not Covid-19 website, Company says


(Mountain View, CA) - President Trump announced that 1700 Google engineers were hard at work on a website to help with the Covid-19 pandemic as part of an address last Friday, March 13th. Google has since announced that, contrary to what President Trump noted, that only 17 engineers were working on the site (Verily). The spokesperson did, however, confirm that there were indeed 1700 engineers dedicated to it's next messaging/video chat service. "We feel we've allocated our resources appropriately and really think this time....what time is it? The fifth? Whatever - we definitely have it this time" Google has been known to launch and then shutter products, even as industry rivals like Amazon… read more 🏃‍♀️

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