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Amazon Launches Ring Security Prime

2020-09-25

(Seattle, WA) - Amazon launched a slew of new products as part of its fall hardware event on September 24, including expansions of the Echo, Eero, and Ring product lines. Spherical speakers, an Echo Show with a front-facing camera, and Eero routers featuring the new home-automation standard Zigbee all debuted. However, the most eyebrow-raising unveil of the event was, by-far, Ring Security Prime. It features the most aggressive expansion yet of any home security platform by including deadly force deterrants. Powered by military-grade technology, the Ring Security Prime product line features a new drone: Ring Always Home Pro. Heavily inspired by military-grade Predator drones, the Always Home… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Launches AWS Monopoly: Antitrust Avoidance as-a-Service

2020-08-19

(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that AWS has launched a new service: Monopoly. AWS Monopoly is focused on rapidly deploying resources to fight antitrust probes and other investigations of anticompetitive behavior. The service boasts a robust set of features, including the ability to activate specialized lobbying teams at a moments notice. Users can also activate lawyers on demand, billed by the second. Similar to the way AWS's EC2 service works, users are able to choose the tier and quality of a lawyer. Lawyer tiers range from the "L4 small" (lawyers with a middle-of-the-road academic pedigree & background) all the way up to the "L7 large" (general counsels… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Launches Mimic: Open-Source Ripoff As-A-Service

2020-04-01

(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that AWS is in the process of gearing up to launch a new service: Mimic. Focused on rapidly copying open-source projects and spinning up competitive services, Mimic started as an internal service at AWS and is behind AWS DocumentDB, ElasticSearch, and Elasticache (redis/memcached-as-a-service). "Mimic has been crucial to the success of AWS so far. We really feel it's been able to help us take ideas built by others and use them to brutally undercut them. But we're customer-obsessed, so, it's cool, you know?" said one AWS employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity. Open-core companies everywhere reacted in outrage. Many had… read more 🏃‍♀️

Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled

2020-04-01

(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (1%) and Short-Lived Services (49%) will be able to keep running", a spokesperson for the company said. Google is well-known for its commitment to practical jokes on April Fools' Day. Google has put out… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Close To Running Out of Service Names

2020-03-20

(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that they are "close, even dangerously close" to running out of obscure names for upcoming web services. "Our obscure name generator service, Fable is reaching the limits of what it can do. It's a very real possibility that we'll have to use descriptive - even meaningful names soon. We're in a very dire situation here and aren't sure what to do next," said an official speaking on terms of anonymity told us. AWS is known for its dominance in the cloud computing space as well as its dedication to keeping services running as long as customers find them useful. However, it has also shown a tendency to name things in, err, less-than… read more 🏃‍♀️

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