Jeff Bezos Chosen as Next James Bond Following MGM Acquisition


Seattle, WA - Amazon is buying MGM for $8.45 billion, and with it co-ownership of the James Bond movie franchise. The deal was announced as many tech and media companies look to beef up their media libraries in the so-called "streaming wars". Netflix, Disney, and others have raced to launch or acquire original content while leveraging existing popular franchises to gain viewership. Although the acquisition was widely-rumored within Hollywood, at least one part of the final deal was a total surprise: Jeff Bezos will be the next James Bond. The provision, buried deep within the larger deal, was surfaced and confirmed by the incredible 🦄 investigative team. Section 1039… read more 🏃‍♀️

Jeff Bezos Ousted From Amazon By r/wallstreetbets


Seattle, WA — Founder and CEO of Amazon ($AMZN) Jeff Bezos announced that he will be stepping down from his role as CEO of Amazon. The unexpected move was announced during Amazon’s most recent earnings report. Amazon reported its first $100 billion quarter, a historic accomplishment for the e-commerce giant. What was unexpected, however, were the circumstances under which Jeff Bezos is stepping down. A source on deep-background was able to confirm that Mr. Bezos’ departure was actually caused less by a desire to hand the reigns over and more by a recent shortfall in his personal finances. Apparently, Mr. Bezos was one of the millions of retail investors who piled into GameStop ($GME) right… read more 🏃‍♀️

Amazon Launches Ring Security Prime


(Seattle, WA) - Amazon launched a slew of new products as part of its fall hardware event on September 24, including expansions of the Echo, Eero, and Ring product lines. Spherical speakers, an Echo Show with a front-facing camera, and Eero routers featuring the new home-automation standard Zigbee all debuted. However, the most eyebrow-raising unveil of the event was, by-far, Ring Security Prime. It features the most aggressive expansion yet of any home security platform by including deadly force deterrants. Powered by military-grade technology, the Ring Security Prime product line features a new drone: Ring Always Home Pro. Heavily inspired by military-grade Predator drones, the Always Home… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Launches AWS Monopoly: Antitrust Avoidance as-a-Service


(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that AWS has launched a new service: Monopoly. AWS Monopoly is focused on rapidly deploying resources to fight antitrust probes and other investigations of anticompetitive behavior. The service boasts a robust set of features, including the ability to activate specialized lobbying teams at a moments notice. Users can also activate lawyers on demand, billed by the second. Similar to the way AWS's EC2 service works, users are able to choose the tier and quality of a lawyer. Lawyer tiers range from the "L4 small" (lawyers with a middle-of-the-road academic pedigree & background) all the way up to the "L7 large" (general counsels… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Launches Mimic: Open-Source Ripoff As-A-Service


(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that AWS is in the process of gearing up to launch a new service: Mimic. Focused on rapidly copying open-source projects and spinning up competitive services, Mimic started as an internal service at AWS and is behind AWS DocumentDB, ElasticSearch, and Elasticache (redis/memcached-as-a-service). "Mimic has been crucial to the success of AWS so far. We really feel it's been able to help us take ideas built by others and use them to brutally undercut them. But we're customer-obsessed, so, it's cool, you know?" said one AWS employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity. Open-core companies everywhere reacted in outrage. Many had… read more 🏃‍♀️

Google Lays Off 50% of Staff as April Fools' Day Cancelled


(Mountain View, CA) - Google was compelled to lay off around 10% of it's staff today after the official cancellation of April Fools' Day this year. WIth national and international morale at a low due to the Covid-19 pandemic, there was little appetite for the usual pranks and jokes this year. "We've had to lay off our entire Hijinks, Malarkey, Shenanigans, and Tomfoolery departments, comprising roughly half our headcount. This is devastating. Fortunately, other departments including Search (1%) and Short-Lived Services (49%) will be able to keep running", a spokesperson for the company said. Google is well-known for its commitment to practical jokes on April Fools' Day. Google has put out… read more 🏃‍♀️

AWS Close To Running Out of Service Names


(Seattle, WA) - Sources inside Amazon Web Services (AWS) tell us that they are "close, even dangerously close" to running out of obscure names for upcoming web services. "Our obscure name generator service, Fable is reaching the limits of what it can do. It's a very real possibility that we'll have to use descriptive - even meaningful names soon. We're in a very dire situation here and aren't sure what to do next," said an official speaking on terms of anonymity told us. AWS is known for its dominance in the cloud computing space as well as its dedication to keeping services running as long as customers find them useful. However, it has also shown a tendency to name things in, err, less-than… read more 🏃‍♀️

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